Most sensible people in the UK and Europe breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning after the cosmic catastro-fuck that is Brexit was sensationally revealed to be no more than an elaborate April fools’ day joke.
The prank was conceived and carried out by Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and David Cameron, who, it was revealed, is still secretly the Prime Minister. In fact, the only politician who wasn’t in on the joke seems to have been Theresa May.
The group of sniggering politicians made the announcement on the steps of Downing Street by shouting “Gotcha! April fool’s!” at a pack of waiting reporters. Cameron then went on to speak of the complexity of the elaborate plan:
“Gideon and I originally thought of the prank in 2014. I just said to him, ‘wouldn’t it be fucking hilarious to fool the British public into thinking that they are going to crash out of the EU with no deal plunging the country into years of political and economic turmoil and uncertainty?’ And the two of us just chortled like a couple of posh Etonian twats for hours and hours, so we began to form a plan that night” Cameron continued, “but we needed a few years to put everything in place. That’s when we brought in Nigel Farage, it was his job to whip up some hysteria about immigration to get the public onside with the idea of a referendum. Then once the campaigns began, we got Boris and Gove onboard.” Cameron then went on to describe how they duped Theresa May into thinking she was going to take charge of the Brexit process as PM, “We had decided that after the people voted to leave, I would pretend to resign as Prime Minister and so all we needed was an unwitting stooge to assume the role of PM. We wanted someone who was absolutely certain to make a colossal pig’s ear of the whole thing. Theresa May was the obvious choice.”
As Cameron spoke to reporters, behind him, men in white coats dragged Theresa May, kicking and screaming from number 10 “I fucking told you” she shrieked, “It’s my deal or no deal. The DUP are on the turn, I know it! Just let me bring it a 4th time, it’ll pass!”
As she was bundled into the back of a van and driven off, Boris Johnson concluded the press conference by assuring the British people that they could now relax and forget that any of this Brexit nonsense happened in the first place. “It was all just a silly little game played by posh twats with expensive educations for their own amusement, we would never play roulette with people’s lives in this way for real.”