Nicola Sturgeon suffering from 3rd degree friction burns after rubbing hands together at prospect of Johnson premiership

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is recovering in hospital after suffering horrific friction burns to her hands. It’s been reported that the burns were inflicted after she received news of Boris Johnson’s victory in the Tory leadership contest. It’s thought that the prospect of Johnson as PM and the inevitable surge in support for Scottish independence was enough to drive her to rub her hands together so vigorously it stripped the skin from her bones.

Sturgeon, who began rubbing her hands together after Johnson and Hunt were confirmed as the final two candidates, is said to be recovering well and earlier shrugged off the injury:

“Ach, it’s nae nothing really” She continued, “jist a wee scratch. The important thing is that we’ll be independent in nae time. The Scottish people will see an over-privileged, posh, lying, swindling, Etonian prick like Jonson coming a mile off.”