“Hold my rolled up £50 note” says George Osborne as top Tories try to ‘out-drug’ each other

Former Chancellor George Osborne has asked the person standing next to him to hold his rolled up £50 note while he utterly destroys his fellow Conservative’s pathetic attempts to be the Tory who has consumed the most class A drugs.

The competition for kudos with young voters began when Rory Stewart confessed to once smoking opium at a wedding. Since then a whole host of Conservative party leadership candidates have come forward to admit to all kinds of drug use. Even former leader Theresa May confessed to “getting the buzz of my life” after once snorting the tears of a benefit sanctioned wheelchair user.

Michael Gove had been in the lead after confessing to using cocaine in his thirties. Gideon’s intervention has however, changed things considerably. Gove expressed his disappointment earlier:

“I mean come on, how can any of us be expected to compete with the rampant drug use of Gideon?” Gove huffed “The man puts Henry the Hoover to shame for fuck’s sake! When he wipes his arse with a £50 note, he has to unroll it first!”

It’s unclear as whether any other Tories plan come out of the drug closet. What is certain however, is that, they will have to be a spectacular degenerate to ‘out-drug’ Gideon.