Boris Johnson has promised to repay the trust that Northern towns have given him by guaranteeing a massive dose of rickets for all Northern children.
The promise came as he begins a victory lap of the North of the UK so that he can see up close and personal, just how stupid the people that voted for him actually are.
Locals are said to be delighted at the promise:
“We’ve been forgotten for too long up here” One local moaned “It’s about time that we got control of our own Victorian diseases. I’m sick to death of all these foreigners, coming over here and taking all our rickets. Now Boris has promised rickets, anemia and a whole host of other great stuff.”