Dear Queen Elizabeth II...

Recently my wife and I have been arguing about the housework. She had been on maternity leave after the birth of our Son and used to have plenty of time to tidy the house, look after the baby and prepare the evening meal. However, she’s recently started back at work and even though she’s only part time, she expects me to help out with all the housework. I work full time and my job is stressful, it’s the last thing I want to do at night. What do I do?

Queen Elizabeth II says...

A tough situation for sure but one easily resolved. One should simply contact the nanny first thing in the morning so she can change the baby’s nappy, feed him and then care for his every need for the rest of the day. Then one should contact the house steward and order him to ensure that a gourmet meal is prepared for breakfast, luncheon and supper by the chef. After this, call the housekeeper and ensure that the maid cleans and dusts all the rooms and polishes the silverware. Granted it’s hard work and an awful faff to organise such things but it should quell some of the arguments between you and your wife.

Dear Queen Elizabeth II...

My sister lives in Australia and is getting married next month. My 2 children and I are due to fly out one week before the ceremony. My husband has work commitments, so he planned to fly out after us just in time for the ceremony. However now he’s saying he might just miss the wedding because his meeting is scheduled at the same time as the last possible flight he could catch to make it in time. This is putting a terrible strain on our marriage, what can I do?

Queen Elizabeth II says...

There’s no need to worry. Simply arrange to have your private helicopter stationed at the location of your husband’s meeting and have it ready to fly him to the airport where he can simply take a privately charted jet to Australia. If he’s still cutting it fine making to the ceremony, arrange for a private helicopter to take him from the airport to the wedding venue.

Dear Queen Elizabeth II...

My daughter-in-law is making my whole family’s life a misery. She’s manipulative, sneaky and uses my grandchildren against my son all the time. She also knows personal things about my family and I would be most embarrassed should they become public. What on earth should I do?

Queen Elizabeth II says...

I’m afraid there’s only one solution to a problem like this. Ask your husband to arrange an assassination involving a motor car crash in a Paris tunnel. Be sure to make it look like an accident by using a driver who’s five times over the legal limit for alcohol.